What does it mean when I say I hope to get over my son Brady’s death? Does it mean I plan to forget about him entirely? To not care that he died?
Of course not.
When I say I hope to get over Brady’s death I mean that I hope to be happy again someday. It’s not that I hope to never think about him again. It’s that I hope to be able to think about something else.
It’s not that I expect to someday not care about his death. It’s that I hope to care about my life and to want to go on living.
To me, this seems obvious. To many other grieving people, it’s not. Not a few become irate when I propose that it’s likely most bereaved people will eventually get over losing a loved one. One outraged commenter asked, “Are you saying that we don’t love them enough?”
I’m saying nothing of the sort, of course. What kind of idiot would?
However, I keep getting booted from online grief survivor groups, or being hounded into leaving by almost unbelievably hostile reactions from other grievers. And it seems to happen when I state that I intend to get over my son’s death or when I suggest that others can also hope to get over their losses.
That’s the point of this blog post: To take an objective look at what it means to say you plan to get over a loss. I’ve done this not by looking at scientific research but by examining the different meanings attached to this phrase.
The Expert Viewpoint
Some experts seem to regard getting over loss with as much skepticism as lay folks. A 2011 article from Psychology Today by a Ph.D. psychologist is titled, “Grief Isn’t Something to Get Over.” The subtitle is, “The notion that one gets over it is a myth.”
Geez. Sounds like I could be wrong on this.
A 2018 Psychology Today piece by another Ph.D. asks, “Should You Try To ‘Get Over’ Grief?” The subtitle answers, “Trying to ‘get over’ grief can have dangerous long term consequences.”
Sounds like it’s worse than I thought. Apparently I am a real cretin.
Pop culture also lines up against me. Songwriting legend Willie Nelson included on his 2018 “Last Man Standing” album a song called “Something You Get Through.” The chorus states, “It’s not something you get over. But it’s something you get through.”
Willie’s lyrics don’t explain whether the song is about a death or a romantic breakup. However, in addition to both being songwriters, Willie and I share the experience of losing sons to suicide. His son Billy died in 1991 at age 33. One published report quotes a colleague saying Willie used the phrase when consoling a friend who had recently lost someone. So maybe he is talking about his boy’s death and, if so, he clearly would not agree with me.
Willie puts into song a feeling common to many people. I’ve heard from numerous grievers who deny that you get over loss but can hope to get through it. I’ve also heard that loss is something you “move through.” Also “move with.” And “go through” and similar phrases.
I’ve heard from numerous grievers who deny that you get over loss but can hope to get through it. I’m not clear on the difference, however.
I’m not clear on the difference here, however. If anything, it sounds like getting through something means merely surviving it, without it ever getting any easier or more bearable.
I do not expect that to happen with me. In fact, I am already much better and Brady’s death is far more bearable than in the beginning. I still feel bad a lot of the time. But nothing like before. I may go weeks without crying now. Even the previously daily if not hourly thought that “I wish I were dead,” which I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever escape, has popped up a lot less frequently the last few weeks.
With all due respect to Willie and others who see things differently, I plan to get over my son’s death. So what does that mean, exactly? What is getting over the death of a loved one?
Getting Over The Dictionary
I generally avoid using a dictionary definition to illustrate or make a point. However, in this case the definition is the point. So here goes.
Merriam-Webster’s definition of “get over” looks like this:
1 a :overcome, surmount
b : to recover from
c : to reconcile oneself to : become accustomed to
2 : to move or travel across
I don’t see anything there about forgetting or not caring. Merriam-Webster’s understanding of getting over something is a lot like mine — recovering and overcoming, not just surviving.
The MacMillan dictionary defines the phrase as:
1 a : to start to feel happy or well again after something bad has happened to you
b : to start to forget someone and feel happy again and feel happy again after a relationship has ended.
2 to find a way to solve or deal with a difficult problem
I looked in several more online dictionaries. A few, like MacMillan, list forgetting as one of several possible meanings. But none has forgetting or not caring as the primary meaning.
Merriam-Webster’s understanding of getting over something is a lot like mine — recovering and overcoming, not just surviving.
The Urban Dictionary is the exception. It said, “Most people think the phrase “get over it’ means to ‘forget about it.’”
It is hard to take seriously a dictionary entry that confuses “wild” with “wide,” as this one did later on. However, it may still be true that most people who aren’t lexicographers these days think “get over it” means “forget about it.” Definitions take time to make it into conventional dictionaries. It’s possible I’m simply behind the times.
I get the feeling that today getting over is connected strictly to romance. It may appear that I’m equating how I expect to feel about my dead son with the way I feel about some girl who blew me off in eighth grade. If so, I can understand why people disagree. But that’s not what I mean.
What May Be Going On
There is some evidence that this is all a misunderstanding that could be readily turned into agreement. For instance, the writer of the 2011 Psychology Today piece said, “The notion that one mourns a loss and then gets over it, to the extent that emotions about the loss are not triggered in the future, is a myth.”
I agree. I do not expect that at any point in my life, if I live to be 100, I will not feel sad about what happened to Brady. (Surely this is obvious?) That’s not at all what I mean when I say I plan to get over it. Like Merriam-Webster, I mean that I expect to overcome, surmount, recover from, reconcile myself to and become accustomed to the loss, not to be happy or even neutral about it.
Who really thinks I plan to forget my only son? Who thinks they will ever forget their lost loved one?
The writer of the 2011 Psychology Today piece is also concerned with disputing the notion that we’ll ever completely forget our lost loved ones. This, again, seems strange to me.
Who really thinks I plan to forget my only son? Who thinks they will ever forget their lost loved one? This article, like many of the people who become upset by my proposal to get over Brady’s death, seems a little like exerting yourself to convince people that the earth is not flat. Nobody believes it’s flat, so why argue against it?
In any event, I plan to get over Brady’s death as I’ve described. Other people may believe otherwise. But I think I can realistically expect this, and so can most other bereaved people.
Summing Up Getting Over
My purpose in writing this is to examine meanings of “get over” and explain what I mean when I say I intend and expect to get over my son’s death. It’s also to explain what I mean when I describe what others can likely expect. This is not a meaning I’ve dreamed up on my own. It is, in fact, the top dictionary definition for the phrase, whatever that may be worth.
I’ve read many articles in research journals describing scientific studies of the grieving experience. All of them found that for most people grief generally diminishes significantly with time. And they have usually found that the average bereaved person eventually got back to something like their former level of happiness.
I’ve read many articles describing scientific studies of the grieving experience. Without exception, all found that for most people grief generally diminishes significantly with time.
For most, this occurred after a year or two. With some groups, such as bereaved parents, it might take longer, up to several years. But only around 10 percent of people experience prolonged or complicated grief with little or no improvement over many years. This is a consistent finding.
I find this encouraging. I hope others in my position will as well. If you want to look at the evidence for it, you could check out this post on grief’s duration.
As always, I’m not trying to tell anyone how to grieve. I’m not trying to tell anyone what their experience is certain to be like. Scientific findings usually present only approximations and that’s the case with grief research. There’s not much certainty. I feel confident saying most people can expect to get over their loss as described. But your individual mileage may vary.
If you want to believe you’ll never get over your loss, you have every right to. I’m not going to do that, however. For one thing, I don’t think that viewpoint is helpful. And I don’t think, based on the best available evidence, that it is accurate. My personal approach is to replace ideas and attitudes that aren’t helpful or accurate with ideas and attidudes that, if possible, are both helpful and accurate.
Thanks for reading Grieve Well and for liking, commenting, sharing, re-posting and subscribing. I’m sorry for the losses that brought you here. And I hope you get some peace today.
I agree, it’s not about forgetting. For me it means the pain is less.
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Thanks, Cathleen. I do hope your pain is less. It’s a heavy burden to carry.
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That was a truly positive read Mark.
We are coming up to 6 months since we lost our precious boy and the days arent as dark as they were. Yes some days are harder..there can be lots of triggers..but then some days I can go without shedding any tears…but that certainly doesnt mean we “are getting over him”…that could never happen.
What i have found is people havent an idea..how could they…but they constantly ram down your throat that it wont be ever possible to carry on..move on…live a life etc…
We have just been on holiday with our other son and daughter…we did laugh and have fun…but not a day went by that i didnt think of George hundreds of times as i know did the rest of the family. There was times when i needed to be alone in my thoughts.
No one there knew our situation and that was what we needed…no one to cast that judging eye…were we grieving enough?? Were we moving on?
In my opinion..we almost behave how we think we should be in front of people…you are afraid to be too “ok” again for fear of judgment…and many seem to want to constantly witness the hurt…its impossible in some peoples eyes to feel anything but..and cant understand anything beyond.
I miss my darling son sooo much…i yearn daily for him..but i agree I want to get to a point when life is worth living every day…i have 2 other beautiful children who deserve that.
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Thanks, Mumtogeorge. It sounds like you are finding some sunshine in the darkness. That is about all that can be done on many days, but it’s not nothing. Like you, I find it odd how many people insist that they and I and any bereaved parent will never recover significantly — especially not “get over” the loss. How are they able to see the future? My objective in writing this was to explain that getting over someone doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting them or not caring that they’re gone. I’m not sure I succeeded. It may be that I need to just accept that the phrase means “forgetting” and start describing my recovery goal as “moving through” or something similar. I guess it doesn’t matter much in the context of losing a child. I have bigger issues than what somebody else thinks of me. I hope you get some peace today. Thanks again.
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I think some bereaved people feel they are betraying their loved one if they admit they are “coping” or “dealing with it”.
I have said to my husband some days…why are we not crying or sobbing..have we forgot? Then from nowhere the wave of grief comes…and it cuts and hurts and to be honest..in a weird way..im.glad it comes because then i know i havent “got over him”. ..even.though i havent ..but then im relieved when we have eventually.rode that wave as it is truly painful .Thats where we are at the moment.
I must admit i havent reached a point where i feel i want to go out and enjoy myself..ie meal.out or evening out as it feels wrong…it should be George going out enjoying himself..i feel i shouldnt be doing that?
Why ..im not sure as we went on holiday but no-one was there who knew us to judge…and it was lovely as we could take the emotions as they came.
Keep writing Mark ..your words bring hope and comfort ..and i hope you find some sunshine and peace through the bleak days.
Your positivity is an inspiration.
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Yes, I think you are exactly right, Mumtogeorge. It feels like betrayal to feel better. For me, however, the depression and hopeless despair have been so profound that I choose to try to feel better in spite of the discomfort. Also, I ask myself what I would want Brady to do if I’d died and he’d lived. Would I want him to 1) feel like life is not worth living or 2) remember me fondly and go on and live his life with all the joy he can muster? It’s option 2 all the way without any sort of doubt. And, knowing that, how can I expect any less of myself?
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Many people, myself included, associates getting over someone with putting someone behind you or forgetting about the person. This is what you might want to do in a broken romantic relationship, but obviously not with a loss of a child. I never got hung up with your wording of “get over”, because I know your blog is about researching coping strategies that can make the pain soften with time and enable us to get back to a (new) normal life. I think your effort can be even more effective if you leave out the wording of “get over”; not because it is wrong, but because some people might get the wrong associations. Keep on the good work and don’t be bothered about semantics.
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Thanks, Ole. Yes, it seems clear that many and possibly most people consider getting over something or someone to be the same as forgetting. I don’t see any possibility I’ll forget Brady, or that any of us will forget our lost loved ones. It seems odd that I’d need to explain that. I also doubt I’ll ever read or hear someone telling me I’ll never get over this loss without a surge of resentment. I’d be willing to not say I’ll get over it if others would stop telling me I won’t. But you’re right — I may be smart to stop, even if I don’t want to. Thanks for this. I hope you get some peace today.
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Another great article Mark. Is life itself worth living? Even without one or more of our children? That is the key question. Woud I love my older son back? Of course! But he’s not coming back. Child loss is the greatest of tragedies for a parent but it is one that we must recover enough from to regain at least some joy and happiness. There will always be a void and our family will never be whole again but we must live on in Brett Anthony’s memory. He would want it no other way. Peace and love always brother!
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I think you have put it well, Brett. Our boys are not coming back. Meanwhile, we are still here and, until it’s time for us to go, we must live on. Sometimes even now life really does seem like it’s worth living, in spite of everything. I hope you continue to heal and get some peace today. Thanks.
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These posts look pretty old but I just stumbled upon this. I am just starting this journey having lost my precious Emily only a month ago at age 22. I have one surviving 26yr old daughter and two step children who are older. I am so encouraged to read your words of hope. I have gone on a few facebook support groups and see people crying daily even after 10 years. I want to believe that I can “get over it”. I don’t care about the semantics and i don’t see that as forgetting. As you say, we will NEVER forget. But, to look at their pictures and memories with fondness, love and happiness instead of deep sorrow is the goal. To be able to be happy again. I am still in a place where I really wish I could go back in time and fix this (she died suddenly). I suppose in time that will fade with acceptance. I so wish no one else would never need to join this horrible “club” we are in. But, I know that is not possible. But, your posts are the best I’ve seen so far. THANK YOU.
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