It’s been a little over 10 months since my only son Brady died at age 16 of suicide. I have cried many tears. I have experienced many strange and horrifying thoughts and feelings.
I’ve endured dozens of sometimes-grueling therapy sessions and devoted great energy and attention to many different coping strategies. I have spent hundreds of hours participating in online grief support groups for bereaved parents. I have read and heard a lot of tragic stories and heart-rending cries for help.
I have not gotten over my son’s death. But I have gotten really tired of hearing, “You never get over the death of a child.”
This is a message I do not like. I consider it harmful. I regard it as inaccurate. I would be pleased if I never heard it again. I am facing the toughest struggle of my life, and the constant repetition of this declaration in different forms is making it harder.
The Argument For Never Getting Over It
I think I understand why people say you never get over losing a child. For one thing, I have strong feelings, to put it mildly, about the son I lost. These feelings are so strong it’s hard to imagine them ever becoming significantly less intense.
Also — obviously — I don’t want to forget my son. So if getting over it means forgetting Brady, you can rule that out.
Another obstacle is the feeling that it would somehow dishonor or disrespect Brady if I ever stopped feeling as awful as I do now. Plus, I admit to worrying that others would look down on me or it might appear that I didn’t truly care for my only son if I ever showed signs of feeling any better.
I don’t want to forget my son. So if getting over it means forgetting Brady, you can rule that out.
Not least, I feel guilt for having failed my son. I even have a sense of being responsible for his death. So to the degree I feel that way I don’t feel worthy of feeling better. I experience these feelings strongly, and I know many other parents do as well.
Why I Don’t Like It
Despite identifying personally with these feelings, I reject and resent the constant refrain that tells me I’ll never get over Brady’s death. I don’t expect ever to forget Brady, or ever to not care about what happened. But I do expect to someday learn to cope with his loss, to accept that he is gone, to be able to remember him fondly and to feel genuine happiness again in spite of everything that’s happened.
I think that is a reasonable expectation. And I can’t see how it’s good for someone like me, who is already at high risk of suicide, to be told over and over that there will never be an end to the feelings that are causing me to at best be ambivalent about continuing to live and at worst to wish I were dead.
To clarify: I am not suicidal. I am determined to find a way to live and be happy again. But being told I’m never going to get over this is not helping. It’s hurting. And it’s inappropriate. I never have told anyone that they will feel better even if they don’t want to. I don’t think it’s right for others to tell me I will never feel better no matter how hard I try.
I am not suicidal. I am determined to find a way to live and be happy again. But being told I’m never going to get over this is not helping.
Another reason I reject the endless parental grief thesis is that the best available evidence suggests it is simply incorrect. I know many recently bereaved parents are very sure that they are never going to get over their loss. But it is worth considering the fact that with few exceptions the people who tell you you’ll never get over losing a child have not actually reached the ends of their lives. They are not reporting on what has happened but what they believe will happen.
Some people who lost children many years or even decades ago do say that they have never gotten over it. This is better evidence. However, the fact that a small number of active posters in online grief groups remain in prolonged, intense grief for many years after losing a child does not mean that a typical bereaved parent can expect that.
Careful scientific studies of more representative populations suggest that everlasting debilitating grief is not what most of us can expect.
What The Evidence Says
A 2016 study from Sweden looked at depression in parents bereaved by suicide. It found that about three-quarters of parents bereaved by suicide did not have moderate to severe depression two to six years after the loss.
It’s been a little over 10 months since my only son Brady died at age 16 of suicide. I have cried many tears. I have experienced many strange and horrifying thoughts and feelings.
I’ve endured dozens of sometimes-grueling therapy sessions and devoted great energy and attention to many different coping strategies. I have spent hundreds of hours participating in online grief support groups for bereaved parents. I have read and heard a lot of tragic stories and heart-rending cries for help.
I have not gotten over my son’s death. But I have gotten really tired of hearing, “You never get over the death of a child.”
This is a message I do not like. I consider it harmful. I regard it as inaccurate. I would be pleased if I never heard it again. I am facing the toughest struggle of my life, and the constant repetition of this declaration in different forms is making it harder.
The Argument For Never Getting Over It
I think I understand why people say you never get over losing a child. For one thing, I have strong feelings, to put it mildly, about the son I lost. These feelings are so strong it’s hard to imagine them ever becoming significantly less intense.
Also — obviously — I don’t want to forget my son. So if getting over it means forgetting Brady, you can rule that out.
Another obstacle is the feeling that it would somehow dishonor or disrespect Brady if I ever stopped feeling as awful as I do now. Plus, I admit to worrying that others would look down on me or it might appear that I didn’t truly care for my only son if I ever showed signs of feeling any better.
I don’t want to forget my son. So if getting over it means forgetting Brady, you can rule that out.
Not least, I feel guilt for having failed my son. I even have a sense of being responsible for his death. So to the degree I feel that way I don’t feel worthy of feeling better. I experience these feelings strongly, and I know many other parents do as well.
Why I Don’t Like It
Despite identifying personally with these feelings, I reject and resent the constant refrain that tells me I’ll never get over Brady’s death. I don’t expect ever to forget Brady, or ever to not care about what happened. But I do expect to someday learn to cope with his loss, to accept that he is gone, to be able to remember him fondly and to feel genuine happiness again in spite of everything that’s happened.
I think that is a reasonable expectation. And I can’t see how it’s good for someone like me, who is already at high risk of suicide, to be told over and over that there will never be an end to the feelings that are causing me to at best be ambivalent about continuing to live and at worst to wish I were dead.
To clarify: I am not suicidal. I am determined to find a way to live and be happy again. But being told I’m never going to get over this is not helping. It’s hurting. And it’s inappropriate. I never have told anyone that they will feel better even if they don’t want to. I don’t think it’s right for others to tell me I will never feel better no matter how hard I try.
I am not suicidal. I am determined to find a way to live and be happy again. But being told I’m never going to get over this is not helping.
Another reason I reject the endless parental grief thesis is that the best available evidence suggests it is simply incorrect. I know many recently bereaved parents are very sure that they are never going to get over their loss. But it is worth considering the fact that with few exceptions the people who tell you you’ll never get over losing a child have not actually reached the ends of their lives. They are not reporting on what has happened but what they believe will happen.
Some people who lost children many years or even decades ago do say that they have never gotten over it. This is better evidence. However, the fact that a small number of active posters in online grief groups remain in prolonged, intense grief for many years after losing a child does not mean that a typical bereaved parent can expect that.
Careful scientific studies of more representative populations suggest that everlasting debilitating grief is not what most of us can expect.
What The Evidence Says
A 2016 study from Sweden looked at depression in parents bereaved by suicide. It found that the typical bereaved parent did now have of moderate to severe depression two to six years after the loss.
This study had among the biggest and most representative samples of any grief study I can recall. The researchers identified every person aged 15 to 30 who died of suicide in Sweden from 2004 to 2007. Of the 915 parents, 666 or 73 percent were contacted and agreed to fill out a 175-item questionnaire. This is a broad sample, a high participation rate and a lot of data. It’s reasonable to take its findings as likely to represent reality.
The typical bereaved parent had only a 5 percent probability of moderate to severe depression two to six years after the loss.
Of course, the fact that parents aren’t severely depressed doesn’t mean they have gotten over their child’s death. However, studies that looked at other symptoms of bereavement have come up with similar findings.
For instance, there is a 2007 study, also from Sweden, of parents who lost children to cancer four to nine years earlier. The researchers reported, “Overall, most parents (74%) stated that they had worked through their grief ‘a lot’ or ‘completely’ at the time of the follow-up.” This finding is not compatible with “you never get over the loss of a child.”
I also saw a 2003 study by University of Washington researchers of parents bereaved by accident, suicide or homicide. The researchers wrote, “Nearly 70% of the parents reported that it took either 3 or 4 years to put their children’s death into perspective and continue with their own lives; however the child’s cause of death did not significantly influence parents’ sense of timing in this regard.”
Whatever you think it means to put the loss of a child in perspective and get on with your life, I think this finding does suggest that reality is more nuanced than a blanket statement that “you never get over the loss of a child.”
The Limits of Getting Over It
I haven’t run across any studies that say parents get over the loss of children to the point they don’t care any more. (The idea that a bereaved parent could actually forget a lost child is, to my mind, so outlandish it doesn’t require rebuttal.) Losing a child is a significant trauma and it leaves a mark of some kind. I’m not denying that.
The evidence bears this out. For instance, one small study of 26 parents who had lost children to sudden infant death syndrome found that 12 to 15 years later, “Most parents still viewed the death of their child as affecting their daily life in important ways.”
One small study of just 26 parents who had lost children to sudden infant death syndrome found that 12 to 15 years later, “Most parents still viewed the death of their child as affecting their daily life in important ways.”
A 2008 study of 428 Americans who’d lost children an average of 18 years earlier found bereaved parents “reported more depressive symptoms, poorer well-being, and more health problems and were more likely to have experienced a depressive episode and marital disruption than were comparison parents.” However, this study, like other studies, only found that losing a child increased the likelihood of having these problems. Many if not most bereaved parents were not seriously affected for the rest of their lives.
Overall, I think the best available evidence supports the conclusion that most bereaved parents manage to accept and resolve the loss of their children, move on with living and recover much if not all of their previous ability to feel happy and enjoy life. And this occurs a lot sooner than never.
So I would prefer it if nobody told me again that I’ll never get over Brady’s death. I certainly don’t expect to never hear that again. But when I do hear it, I’ll try to remind myself that, based on the best available evidence, it is not accurate. And that way I hope to keep it from making an already excruciating task significantly more difficult.
The Usual Disclaimer
This is my report on my experience examining evidence-based strategies for coping with grief. I have no desire to tell anybody how they should grieve or should not grieve (except that I wish they would stop telling me I’ll never get over this horrible experience, and I don’t really expect them to stop.) Different strokes for different folks.
I appreciate you visiting and am sorry for the loss that brought you here. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. And I hope you get some peace today.
It’s been a little over 10 months since my only son Brady died at age 16 of suicide. I have cried many tears. I have experienced many strange and horrifying thoughts and feelings.
I’ve endured dozens of sometimes-grueling therapy sessions and devoted great energy and attention to many different coping strategies. I have spent hundreds of hours participating in online grief support groups for bereaved parents. I have read and heard a lot of tragic stories and heart-rending cries for help.
I have not gotten over my son’s death. But I have gotten really tired of hearing, “You never get over the death of a child.”
This is a message I do not like. I consider it harmful. I regard it as inaccurate. I would be pleased if I never heard it again. I am facing the toughest struggle of my life, and the constant repetition of this declaration in different forms is making it harder.
The Argument For Never Getting Over It
I think I understand why people say you never get over losing a child. For one thing, I have strong feelings, to put it mildly, about the son I lost. These feelings are so strong it’s hard to imagine them ever becoming significantly less intense.
Also — obviously — I don’t want to forget my son. So if getting over it means forgetting Brady, you can rule that out.
Another obstacle is the feeling that it would somehow dishonor or disrespect Brady if I ever stopped feeling as awful as I do now. Plus, I admit to worrying that others would look down on me or it might appear that I didn’t truly care for my only son if I ever showed signs of feeling any better.
I don’t want to forget my son. So if getting over it means forgetting Brady, you can rule that out.
Not least, I feel guilt for having failed my son. I even have a sense of being responsible for his death. So to the degree I feel that way I don’t feel worthy of feeling better. I experience these feelings strongly, and I know many other parents do as well.
Why I Don’t Like It
Despite identifying personally with these feelings, I reject and resent the constant refrain that tells me I’ll never get over Brady’s death. I don’t expect ever to forget Brady, or ever to not care about what happened. But I do expect to someday learn to cope with his loss, to accept that he is gone, to be able to remember him fondly and to feel genuine happiness again in spite of everything that’s happened.
I think that is a reasonable expectation. And I can’t see how it’s good for someone like me, who is already at high risk of suicide, to be told over and over that there will never be an end to the feelings that are causing me to at best be ambivalent about continuing to live and at worst to wish I were dead.
To clarify: I am not suicidal. I am determined to find a way to live and be happy again. But being told I’m never going to get over this is not helping. It’s hurting. And it’s inappropriate. I never have told anyone that they will feel better even if they don’t want to. I don’t think it’s right for others to tell me I will never feel better no matter how hard I try.
I am not suicidal. I am determined to find a way to live and be happy again. But being told I’m never going to get over this is not helping.
Another reason I reject the endless parental grief thesis is that the best available evidence suggests it is simply incorrect. I know many recently bereaved parents are very sure that they are never going to get over their loss. But it is worth considering the fact that with few exceptions the people who tell you you’ll never get over losing a child have not actually reached the ends of their lives. They are not reporting on what has happened but what they believe will happen.
Some people who lost children many years or even decades ago do say that they have never gotten over it. This is better evidence. However, the fact that a small number of active posters in online grief groups remain in prolonged, intense grief for many years after losing a child does not mean that a typical bereaved parent can expect that.
Careful scientific studies of more representative populations suggest that everlasting debilitating grief is not what most of us can expect.
What The Evidence Says
A 2016 study from Sweden looked at depression in parents bereaved by suicide. It found that about 25 percent or 1 in 4 had moderate to severe depression two to six years after the loss. If you flip that, of course, it says 75 percent of these bereaved parents were not depressed.
This study had among the biggest and most representative samples of any grief study I can recall. The researchers identified every person aged 15 to 30 who died of suicide in Sweden from 2004 to 2007. Of the 915 parents, 666 or 73 percent were contacted and agreed to fill out a 175-item questionnaire. This is a broad sample, a high participation rate and a lot of data. It’s reasonable to take its findings as likely to represent reality.
Of course, the fact that parents aren’t depressed doesn’t mean they have gotten over their child’s death. However, studies that looked at other symptoms of bereavement have come up with similar findings.
For instance, there is a 2007 study, also from Sweden, of parents who lost children to cancer four to nine years earlier. The researchers reported, “Overall, most parents (74%) stated that they had worked through their grief ‘a lot’ or ‘completely’ at the time of the follow-up.” This finding is not compatible with “you never get over the loss of a child.”
I also saw a 2003 study by University of Washington researchers of parents bereaved by accident, suicide or homicide. The researchers wrote, “Nearly 70% of the parents reported that it took either 3 or 4 years to put their children’s death into perspective and continue with their own lives; however the child’s cause of death did not significantly influence parents’ sense of timing in this regard.”
Whatever you think it means to put the loss of a child in perspective and get on with your life, I think this finding does suggest that reality is more nuanced than a blanket statement that “you never get over the loss of a child.”
The Limits of Getting Over It
I haven’t run across any studies that say parents get over the loss of children to the point they don’t care any more. (The idea that a bereaved parent could actually forget a lost child is, to my mind, so outlandish it doesn’t require rebuttal.) Losing a child is a significant trauma and it leaves a mark of some kind. I’m not denying that.
The evidence bears this out. For instance, one small study of 26 parents who had lost children to sudden infant death syndrome found that 12 to 15 years later, “Most parents still viewed the death of their child as affecting their daily life in important ways.”
One small study of just 26 parents who had lost children to sudden infant death syndrome found that 12 to 15 years later, “Most parents still viewed the death of their child as affecting their daily life in important ways.”
A 2008 study of 428 Americans who’d lost children an average of 18 years earlier found bereaved parents “reported more depressive symptoms, poorer well-being, and more health problems and were more likely to have experienced a depressive episode and marital disruption than were comparison parents.” However, this study, like other studies, only found that losing a child increased the likelihood of having these problems. Many if not most bereaved parents were not seriously affected for the rest of their lives.
Overall, I think the best available evidence supports the conclusion that most bereaved parents manage to accept and resolve the loss of their children, move on with living and recover much if not all of their previous ability to feel happy and enjoy life. And this occurs a lot sooner than never.
So I would prefer it if nobody told me again that I’ll never get over Brady’s death. I certainly don’t expect to never hear that again. But when I do hear it, I’ll try to remind myself that, based on the best available evidence, it is not accurate. And that way I hope to keep it from making an already excruciating task significantly more difficult.
The Usual Disclaimer
This is my report on my experience examining evidence-based strategies for coping with grief. I have no desire to tell anybody how they should grieve or should not grieve (except that I wish they would stop telling me I’ll never get over this horrible experience, and I don’t really expect them to stop.) Different strokes for different folks.
I appreciate you visiting and am sorry for the loss that brought you here. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. And I hope you get some peace today.
This study had among the biggest and most representative samples of any grief study I can recall. The researchers identified every person aged 15 to 30 who died of suicide in Sweden from 2004 to 2007. Of the 915 parents, 666 or 73 percent were contacted and agreed to fill out a 175-item questionnaire. This is a broad sample, a high participation rate and a lot of data. It’s reasonable to take its findings as likely to represent reality.
The typical bereaved parent had only a 5 percent probability of moderate to severe depression two to six years after the loss.
Of course, the fact that parents aren’t severely depressed doesn’t mean they have gotten over their child’s death. However, studies that looked at other symptoms of bereavement have come up with similar findings.
For instance, there is a 2007 study, also from Sweden, of parents who lost children to cancer four to nine years earlier. The researchers reported, “Overall, most parents (74%) stated that they had worked through their grief ‘a lot’ or ‘completely’ at the time of the follow-up.” This finding is not compatible with “you never get over the loss of a child.”
I also saw a 2003 study by University of Washington researchers of parents bereaved by accident, suicide or homicide. The researchers wrote, “Nearly 70% of the parents reported that it took either 3 or 4 years to put their children’s death into perspective and continue with their own lives; however the child’s cause of death did not significantly influence parents’ sense of timing in this regard.”
Whatever you think it means to put the loss of a child in perspective and get on with your life, I think this finding does suggest that reality is more nuanced than a blanket statement that “you never get over the loss of a child.”
The Limits of Getting Over It
I haven’t run across any studies that say parents get over the loss of children to the point they don’t care any more. (The idea that a bereaved parent could actually forget a lost child is, to my mind, so outlandish it doesn’t require rebuttal.) Losing a child is a significant trauma and it leaves a mark of some kind. I’m not denying that.
The evidence bears this out. For instance, one small study of 26 parents who had lost children to sudden infant death syndrome found that 12 to 15 years later, “Most parents still viewed the death of their child as affecting their daily life in important ways.”
One small study of just 26 parents who had lost children to sudden infant death syndrome found that 12 to 15 years later, “Most parents still viewed the death of their child as affecting their daily life in important ways.”
A 2008 study of 428 Americans who’d lost children an average of 18 years earlier found bereaved parents “reported more depressive symptoms, poorer well-being, and more health problems and were more likely to have experienced a depressive episode and marital disruption than were comparison parents.” However, this study, like other studies, only found that losing a child increased the likelihood of having these problems. Many if not most bereaved parents were not seriously affected for the rest of their lives.
Overall, I think the best available evidence supports the conclusion that most bereaved parents manage to accept and resolve the loss of their children, move on with living and recover much if not all of their previous ability to feel happy and enjoy life. And this occurs a lot sooner than never.
So I would prefer it if nobody told me again that I’ll never get over Brady’s death. I certainly don’t expect to never hear that again. But when I do hear it, I’ll try to remind myself that, based on the best available evidence, it is not accurate. And that way I hope to keep it from making an already excruciating task significantly more difficult.
The Usual Disclaimer
This is my report on my experience examining evidence-based strategies for coping with grief. I have no desire to tell anybody how they should grieve or should not grieve (except that I wish they would stop telling me I’ll never get over this horrible experience, and I don’t really expect them to stop.) Different strokes for different folks.
I appreciate you visiting and am sorry for the loss that brought you here. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. And I hope you get some peace today.
Grieve Well 
For me – my self esteem, worth, everything about me – I question. I think this is what many bereaved parents experience. We feel we have failed. (These are just my thoughts.) I can list the reasons how my mistakes and “lack of” made my child “get sick”. I didn’t make my child eat the right foods, they didn’t get enough protein, I should have seen the signs, etc, etc, etc.
“So I would prefer if it nobody told me again that I’ll never get over Brady’s death. It’s certainly not helping and it is probably not accurate.” This theme needs to be printed on a business card.
My “nails on the chalkboard” – they’re in a better place.
Better yet – maybe a business card that simply states, “I’m grieving. Listening is your best help. Maybe a hug – but ask me first.”
I like your response to the “norm of grieving” because for me – there is no norm. The generalities of grieving a child often seem too simplistic for what we, grieving parents, are navigating.
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Mindy, I agree that generalities about grieving are not universally applicable, because grieving is pretty individualized. I don’t know that “everybody grieves differently,” which is another grief truism. I think there are some useful generalizations that can be made. But there certainly can be a wide variety between how individuals respond to loss of a loved one. That’s one of the reasons I object to “you never get over loss of a child.” How does this blanket statement fit with “everybody grieves differently?” It does not seem as though both can be true. In fact, I think our personal response to loss tends to be somewhat more nuanced than a bumper sticker slogan or a meme. I think the reality is that many or most although not all people do get over losing a child, to at least a considerable degree. What I’m trying to do with Grieve Well is not tell people how to survive their loss, but to open their eyes to some coping strategies that they might not have heard of and that the evidence suggests could potentially be helpful. I hope you get some peace today, and I’m sorry for your loss.
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I lost my son one month ago today to
A car accident. I just don’t want any advice on what i should do and how I should feel from people who have no idea what this pain is like. My son was the best thing in my life! To know I will never see him again is devastating. I will work through my grief as I see fit!! I will see a counselor and try to heal. But someone feeling me that I will never get over this is the last thing i need to hear now
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Thanks for your comment, John, and I am sorry for your terrible loss. My experience after five years is that the pain from my son’s death is no longer constant. Instead it’s recurring, but over time the episodes of painful grief have become less frequent and shorter. They are also less intense. It is a slow process. I recently realized that sometime in the last few months the thought that I wish I were dead has stopped occurring to me from one to many times a day on most days, as it had simce his death. Now on most days I don’t think that even once. I feel a lot better most of the time now. I hope you get some peace today.
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Thanks . I always like your posts. And I still need to find out when and if I get over my daughters suicide ( April 13th ) . People tell me you don’t get over it , but you get through it . Even about that I’m not sure yet . But it’s all still so raw and it hurts like crazy .
The studies you mentioned from Sweden , I’m original from Germany , live now in the US since 28 years , my daughter was 18 .
The culture in Europe is different .
I think , it makes a huge difference in how we deal with everything , whether our lives have a meaning , besides our kids . We need to find ways to be active in a positive way , this will help to heal somehow , doing good , helping others , serving helps to look over the rim of our own plate and our kids get honored this way and they did not die in vain .
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Thanks, Susanne. I am so sorry for your loss. I have barely visited Europe, and Sweden never, but the research does suggest there are some profound differences. Americans are far more likely to endorse religious explanations for people’s deaths, for one thing. And I think in the US there is a distinct thread of anti-science and anti-intellectualism. I don’t know if it’s the same elsewhere. I hope you get some peace today.
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Thanks for sharing your stories. As one who has 6 years of loss behind us with our sons death at 29, we can say that life is once again wonderful. We have not just survived, but are now thriving and can attest that yes, you do ‘get over’ loss. To those who have suffered loss, I believe these words can have a certain offence to them. It takes time to process that guilt and regret that is inevitable. But in time, I believe so much of redirecting these emotions becomes the individuals choice. I like to say that with ‘getting over’ our loss, we have integrated this horrific life experience into who we are, which is not the same people of 6 years ago. And I would also say that a small bit of our hearts remain raw as we still miss him terribly and would do anything to have him back. But we would not give this up for anything either. We see that love is stronger than the pain, and that this love extends forever.
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Thank you for your insightful comment, Cheryl. I am terribly sorry for your loss. It is so encouraging to read your words and I believe you have touched on a key issue when you mention choice. Many bereaved people have chosen not to feel better. That is their right, of course, just as it is my right to choose to feel better. Never in my life have I or would I tell someone that they must not or cannot grieve their lost child with all their being forever. They can never leave bed again if that is their choice. With my post, I am trying to clarify the fact that I have the freedom or at least the possibility to not be debilitated by Brady’s death for the rest of my life. This “you never get over the loss of a child” mantra denies that possibility. And I think it does so wrongly. That’s why I’d like to never hear it again. Of course, I’ll be disappointed in that wish, but it is wonderful to know I will sometimes hear messages of hope like yours. Thanks again, and I hope you get some peace today.
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Thank you for your kind words. I feel your pain. And thank you for the courage you show in your posts…. the vulnerability, pain, and desire to transform the agonies of your loss into something precious.
I wanted to qualify that I believe too that choice belongs to each individual, and it happens over time. No one chooses to lose a child, but in time when our grief becomes a little softer perhaps, we are given choice in our response to this profound loss. Our son passed from drug overdose, and as his Mom and Dad, my hubby and I suffered terrible and debilitating guilt and regret at not being parent enough to him, that he deserved more. It took a couple years before I realized I had the option to remain in this guilt for the rest of my life, if I so chose. I deeply desired to honour Shane, and in so doing imagined HIS deep desire for me to be well, to choose life. My hubby and I ritualized this choice and offered three way forgiveness…to ourselves, to one another, and to Shane.
I know how proud Shane would be. I know how proud Brady is of you. You touch the deepest parts of people, and I respect you tremendously.
Mindy and Susanne…. I hold you both tenderly in your losses.
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Cheryl, I just read your response below. I, too, lost my son Scott to an overdose at the age of 24 (almost 7 years ago). Remnants of guilty still resurface at times, but I quickly go back to that triune forgiveness you talked about. Applying self-awareness, self-care and a heavy dose of self-compassion continue to free me to live the way I know Scott would want me to live.
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Right on Mark. I just returned from a weekend retreat with Les Stroud from t.v’s survivorman. A native american participant explained that our culture does not accept the fact that some souls are born and will die young. She explained that my boy was sent here to do a job and then return to the universe to continue to help spiritually. I believe her because I KNOW that my son is finally, truly at peace. He was conflicted and was never at peace on earth. I WILL move on at some point and reclaim the joy and happiness that I once had. I will never forget Brett Anthony, I wouldn’t want to. He will always be in my heart and forever loved. That does not mean that I will live a miserable existence from here on out.
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Thanks, Brett. I have trouble imagining how anyone can think they would possibly forget their own child. I mean, I remember guys who died right after I got out of high school. That was more than 40 years ago. I’m not going to live another 40 years, and my son means a lot more to me than some guy I ran around with back in the day. Me forgetting Brady is not something I need to deny, because the idea is nonsensical. I am sure a lot of this upset over me suggesting someone can get over loss of a child is due to different meanings attached to “get over.” To some people getting over means forgetting about. Not to me. It means recovering to the extent I can live and be happy again and think of Brady fondly and not be destroyed by his death. Anyway, I can sense that I’m about an inch from getting kicked out of one or more Facebook grief support groups for daring to suggest that one can get over loss of a child. So I’m going to drop the topic, at least for now. I can’t seem to stay away from these forbidden topics, but I’ll do my best. Thanks much for your comment. I hope you get some peace today.
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I wish I could agree. My 3 yr old son son my only child died suddenly 23yrs ago. I have not healed.
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Jo Ann, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don’t mean to mislead, I’m not saying that the evidence says every bereaved parent will infallibly and completely get over losing a child to the point they are never sad again. I’m saying that the evidence says some people or many people and possibly even most people can reasonably expect to recover to the point they can live normally without being debilitated by grief. Some people will not be able to heal as much. Your mileage may vary. It’s like smoking cigarettes. Many people develop lung cancer from smoking, but not everyone. Just about everything I write about at Grieve Well describes a possibility or a likelihood. There is a lot of variability in grief and not everyone’s experience will be the same. That’s why I push back against “you never get over the loss of a child.” This is a very definite statement applied to every grieving parent. However, the evidence suggests it is quite possible or even likely to do much better than that. I know some parents find that suggestion distasteful or insulting or otherwise objectionable. Personally, from my perspective as a bereaved parent, I find it encouraging that the best available evidence suggests I am not infallibly sentenced to a lifetime of unending agony. Thanks for commenting and I hope you get some peace today.
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Hi Mark,
As this journey of loss definitely has the passing of time in common, even time may become distorted depending on the day and events.
My daughter was killed while walking on a road, she was hit by a car and never recovered neurologically. She was an organ donor and that provided some salve over this raw, open wound that resembles the emotional essence of my heart and spirit.
Having permanent custody of her 3 children is additional salve, I see her in them and I am reminded time passes for our amazing grandchildren too. They are sad when I am sad, they may be too young to process the information and therefore don’t know yet completely about their mother having died but they’re not too young to empathize with sadness.
For my husband and I, we speak of her often, sometimes I talk with her.
Part of this process must include taking the best care of ourselves and those around us also affected by these profound changes that loss has brought. Try to eat well, try to exercise, try to help someone else on their journey, try to sleep as much as you need to. If at all possible, try to do something that could help you smile so those feel good chemicals are released.
The singular most important detail that helps me get through the really hard minutes, hours, days, weeks, months is I remember Sheneise glowed like a firefly when she knew I was happy, even as a child, when I was struggling with a piece of life, she would make silly faces to try to get me to smile. I know she wouldn’t want us completely full of grief, mourning, sadness and tears and well honestly, sometimes there doesn’t seem to be much room for anything else. Even in the hardest of times of grieving I try to remember she wouldn’t want us to be incapacitated with the grief of her passing each moment of our new existence, for that reason, I dry my tears and force a smile on my face and into my heart. I believe in possibilities so for me, there is a possibility that this precious woman, once my little girl, knows that we are grieving at times with our entire being, knows that our lives will never be and can never be the same, she may miss us as much as we miss her. So I remember she always felt better when she saw me smile, I smile even if it’s the last thing I want to do because just maybe that will make her feel better too.
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I agree with you in disliking the “you will never get over the loss of your child” statement. It robs a parent of hope. You never forget, but you can work through the grief to a place of living again with joy. It just takes much longer than most people think. In my experience from losing our only child when he was 16 , it was not until into the third year that I really believed I might not always feel so much pain. By year five, I was feeling much better, still missing him everyday, but no longer drowning in grief. I quit reading on line forums early in the grief process because so many seemed stuck in their grieving and wearing that “you never get over it” mantra like a shield. Friends and faith were a big help on my journey. I’m thankful that my God can heal the broken-hearted.
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Thanks, Beth. It is good to hear from who has found a way to live and feel joy again. Bereaved parents need more testimonials like your. Much appreciated.
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I honestly don’t know why people throw that term around: “get over it.” It can have so many meanings and depending on what you mean by it, you could say that of course you will and you can say that of course you wont.
9 years after the loss of my daughter, it does still affect me every day. But does my grief look the same as it did after 9 months? Of course not. Are there parts of myself that I’ve never recovered and things I once found joy in that I now still cannot face? Yes. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t other parts of myself I’ve discovered, other things that now make me smile.
My child’s death will always have changed me, in ways for the better and ways for the worse. Even those changes aren’t permanent and no doubt will be replaced by others in years 20 and 30.
People grow and change. It’s what we do. Grief isn’t linear, uphill or downhill or over a straight and static path.
I’m sorry for the loss of your son. I wont tell you it will get better. I wont tell you it never will. My experience is that neither is true. Life is so much more complex and painful and beautiful than those cliches could express.
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Reblogged this on Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library.
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I lost my precious 23 yr old son Feb. 25 of this year. While I am not crying 20 out of 24 hrs a day like I was, I’m still so heartbroken. Although I’m finding ways to get through it easier by being around people who take my elevator up not down. People can say the most heartless things and it could be on a day I’m doing ok, then their comments take me back down. Choosing carefully who you share thoughts and feelings with have been very wise for me. I’ll never get over my precious son, but I’m learning to make the best of this tragedy each day as difficult as it can be.
My motto: Be kind to everyone as you never know what their facing.
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You have taken the words out of my mouth…we lost our 17yr old son 2 months ago..he was a passenger in a car that was driven by a reckless idiot. I feel people constantly judge you…if you have a smile one minute..they presume you “doing ok ” if you arent doing as well another day…they will recite the usual…”i cant imagine…you will never get over…” as you have said ..constantly telling me i wont get over this horrific tragedy is really not helping…in fact it is quite terrfying..life beyond this is scary enough…i have had a liason officer tell me “you will feel like this for at least 3 years” another professional tell me ” it wont hit you till the 2nd year” .
Each day is different…each hour if im truly honest..so when you have a moment that is slightly better than another..the above comments are never far from your thoughts…
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I am sorry for your loss, Mumtogeorge. My experience is that
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…I am much better at 19 months than I was earlier. It is still pretty bad, to be honest. But I am hopeful. And I hope you get some peace today.
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Thank you…i have to believe that we will never ever get over the loss of our beautiful boy ..but in time we find a way to ease the heartache. Im so sorry for the loss of your precious boy…i truly know how if feels and it hurts…..x
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Yes, Mumtogeorge. I want to rewrite this post on getting over child loss. I think is needs to recognize more explicitly that people aren’t likely to get completely over losing a child. Although I still think it doesn’t help to tell bereaved parents that. I think it would be a better idea to say, “While very few bereaved parents forget or stop caring about their lost child, most eventually return to nearly their former level of happiness, even though that may seem unthinkable now,” or something like that. The thing is, optimism and hope are in very short supply when you’re a bereaved parent. What’s the point of giving us an unnecessarily negative view of the future? Hope you feel better today. Thanks again. And I’m sorry for your loss.
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I agree…in my honest opinion..i think people recite the “you will never be the same..or…you will never get over this..because i think thats what they think we want to hear and believe.
That couldnt be further from the truth!!! We are just hurting sooo much..we cant see a way out. So i feel when they say that sort of comment they do truly think its comforting and thats what we want to hear!!
It would seem ..especially in early grief ..callous or uncaring if they were to say ..in time, (obviously a timescale where every grieving parent is different) you will find a way to carry on…to enjoy things in life, because i think i would of told someone to get out of my house if they said that in the very early days. How dare they even suggest that! Because to be fair..that is when you see most people..in the early days..there are few that hang on past this.
Some come hoping to get the horrific details..some because they feel they should and then the handful of “true friends” who will sit while you cry and hold you and then be there when you want to talk constantly about your boy…amidst the funny and sad times you recount!!
Not many of us have any experience in dealing with the loss of a child…yes we have all lost an elderly relative..even a relative who we feel had a few more years left…my lovely mum passed at 64 and i felt that was so unfair..she still should of had a “good 10 years or more”
So what do you say to a parent whos child has passed?.
I have two other children and to be fair..they are doing really well with “this grief thing”. They keep us going…i never want to hear them say..we arent enough to keep mum and dad going..they see us get upset..they have a wobble..and thats fine..we support each other.
But we have to believe we will carry on will a different normal eventually.
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That is very well said, Mumtogeorge. Talking to bereaved people is like walking a tightrope blindfolded in the rain wearing leather-soled shoes. There is no single right thing to say to everyone, and yet we tend to react angrily if someone says something we feel is wrong. I know I say lots of things that I don’t like hearing back. Everybody’s just trying to help. (Except for one bereaved father who commented in a social media post that my optimistic, solutions-oriented, hopeful attitude probably caused my son to take his own life. I don’t know what is wrong with that guy, but he’s not trying to help, clearly.)
I have the impression my two living adult daughters are doing all right with their brother’s death as well. However, after going to a soccer team reunion last weekend and spending time with Brady’s lifelong friends and their parents, many of whom indicated the boys were are still suffering quite a bit, I think I want to reexamine how my daughters are doing. It is hard to lose a brother so young. Not anything I experienced, for sure.
Thanks for your comments. I hope you get some peace today.
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unfortunately there is always going to be someone that has to be wicked – rise above it Mark, put it to the very back of beyond!
I agree ..people dont know what to say as its very alien like. I haven’t got any close friends or family that have lost a child so to be honest, I don’t honestly know what I would of said.
But..now that the unthinkable has happened, I feel I would know how to comfort and help a grieving parent.. and I definitely know what NOT to say!!
I must add that many people would put in their cards..if you need anything..just ask!!
The majority of these people were friends but not close, so as much as it probably made them feel better writing that..they didn’t really want me to get in touch as they hadn’t left a contact number!
Various visitors would often recite–anything you want doing, just let me know.
But the true friends, would grab my pile of ironing without even asking me, would bring round a hot meal without telling us, who would ring and ask if they could take the other children out for a game of bowling that evening,..it is absolutely pointless telling a grieving parent to ring…if you need anything!!! I can truly say I have never picked up the phone and asked for anything!
One friend when i lost it one day and had a rant at her (she just happened to be on the receiving end of my frustration and anger that day)..said to me..”I tell you what – you ring me when you need anything , I wont keep bothering you” – in my opinion she just wanted to ring a couple of times a week and ask the usual “Hows things” not really wanting to deal with anything more than me replying “ok” or “not great”..then she could put the phone down and carry on with her usual routine of life.
I do have a lovely friend/neighbour who pops in 2/3 times a day and she has seen every emotion..she gets that just because this morning was going ok..tonight could be the complete opposite. She sits through it all and listens, doesn’t tell me a pack of lies that its going to be ok, because it isnt..is it ., not yet anyhow..but she just rides through it and tells me this is normal, we are going to up then down..its very early days and we are doing so well,
Today has been an alright day – i never say good as they aren’t, iIm not fooled ..tomorrow could be horrific, but I’m taking baby steps, and if i take 10 forward and 11 back, then so be it..hopefully i will make one step in front soon x
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The above comment is still from me – mumtogeorge – i logged in on laptop not phone!
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It has been four years since my oldest son, Kyle, died in a car accident while his best friend was driving. The accident was just that, an accident. They were driving in another state, did not know the route at all, and his friend did not realize that the cross traffic at the intersection they were going through did not have to stop. They were hit broadside by a vehicle going at least 60 miles an hour. My son was in the back seat, belted in, but he suffered a massive brain injury and was on life support when we got to him after a horrifying 7 hour drive. We never blamed his friend, we’ve all made mistakes while driving and were often blessedly lucky no one was hurt or killed. I’ve spent these years trying to help my two living sons, my husband, and my son’s buddies cope with this massive loss.
I learned early, on this side of our loss, that I can still breathe, laugh and love. I’ve also learned I have to fight to get through minutes, hours, and sometimes days of an ache and sorrow that doesn’t quit. To be honest, I don’t think I want it to quit. I cannot “let go” of the love for my boy, or the ache to hold him and hear his laugh. Yes, I have hours in each day I am relatively fine and I smile and work out and do the things we do each day in life. We have gone on vacation and had lots of fun, but there are always periods of time each day that I feel the deep ache of who is missing. My buddy, my funny, smart ass boy who lit up my heart each and every day. The sorrow still builds each day until after a week, or two or three, I have to let my tears fall hard and fast. I miss him so, so, much and I always will. He is some “thing” to get over or get through. I am learning to live with the sorrow, thanks to many other parents I know who have lost children. Some are 10, even 20 years, post loss, but they all admit how their lives have changed and how the sorrow is simply part of their daily life.
My son still lives in me and I will live for him as long as I can and I will do all I can to be sure his memory and all he was to us is never forgotten. My dearest friend has even taught her two little grandsons about my boy, who she loved fiercely. It is wonderful to hear them say his name when they see his picture. Life goes on for sure, but it goes on much differently than it did before my boy left us.
My love and peace to all of you, my wish is that we each find our own way to live with the loss of our beloved children.
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Thanks for the comment, Jeanne Slinker. I’m sorry for your loss. Your experience is a lot like mine has been after nearly two years. I feel fairly normal some of the time and really awful some of the time. I continue doing a list of things that I hope will help me return to something like my former level of happiness. I am trying to live the way I would want Brady to live if I had been the one to die instead of him. I would not want him to be devastated for the rest of his days. I would expect him to live and be happy and remember me fondly. Given that, how can I expect anything less of myself? Easier said than done. Dealing with his death is still the hardest thing I have ever done by a wide margin. Compared to this, every problem I have ever had rolled into one amounts to a mere inconvenience. But I’m slowly learning to cope, with the help of time and the coping strategies I’m employing. And I do hope someday to accept his loss and find a way to live again. Thanks again for your comment. I hope you get some peace today.
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Im so sorry for the loss of your precious son…we lost George almost 5 months ago. He too was a passenger in a car with a driver he barely knew…who decided to race with another …and tragically my son and his friend killed.
We still waiting on outcome..investigations ongoing…both drivers fine!!!
Its like riding a rollercoaster..some days better..others so horrific..like day 1..but you bring me some hope and that i thank you xxx
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Thank you, Mark, for this post. First let me say, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child brings a pain that in unexplainable. I know this, as I lost my son (21 years old) eight years ago to a motorcycle accident. This is not the same as to suicide, I know, but it is still the loss of a child. I, also, struggle when I hear people say “you’ll never get over the loss of child.” I feel I am evidence that you can live a full and happy life after losing a child – BUT it doesn’t happen overnight, and you have to go through the grief to get to the happiness.
I wanted to share my blogpost, that I did a month or so go, on this exact topic.
http://austin-missyoursmile.blogspot.com/2018/08/learning-to-love-life.html
Thank you, again, for your honesty!
Lori
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Thanks, Lori. I think stories like yours deserve to be told and widely shared among bereaved parents. I much appreciate your candor and courage in telling and sharing it. I am sorry for your loss, and hope you have many more happy days ahead.
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