In a sense, it doesn’t matter whether one kind of loss could be considered worse than another. Individual reactions vary so much that a death that crushes one survivor might practically be shrugged off by someone else. And it can be a little offensive when anyone suggests, as they do from time to time, that their loss is more significant or painful than your own. So this is a sensitive topic and perhaps shouldn’t even be talked about.
In another sense, it matters a lot and very much deserves to be talked about. Not infrequently it occurs to me that, in losing my 16-year-old only son Brady to suicide in October 2016 and being the one to find and try to revive him, I have had the worst possible grief experience. This does not help my frame of mind. When that thought starts running in my head, the grief settles in so heavily that I feel as if I’m carrying an elephant. My head sags and my shoulders droop. I can barely lift my feet to take a step.
When I start doing that, I have learned to stop it. I remind myself that other survivors have shared with me arguably worse grief stories, including multiple losses and witnessed suicides. Then I feel the weight lifting. I don’t think it’s good for me to think that I have it worse than anybody. So as I travel this bereavement journey, I generally avoid comparing losses or, if I do, I remind myself that I am probably not the world’s unluckiest man.
I don’t think it’s good for me to think that I have it worse than anybody.
Still, my attention was grabbed when I read a research paper and saw this sentence: “The largest emotional losses are from the death of a spouse; the second-worst in severity are the losses from the death of a child; the third-worst is the death of a parent.” Until that moment, I had assumed that losing a child is harder than losing a spouse. I was intrigued and somewhat annoyed and read further.
Possibly The Worst Title Ever
The paper has the bizarre-sounding title, “Death, Happiness, and the Calculation of Compensatory Damages.” (This could almost be the punch line for a joke about ridiculous scientific research projects.) Its central topic is the legal question of how large a financial settlement survivors should get for a wrongful death. So it makes sense it would compare the impact of various kinds of losses. (I’m not interested in their financial calculations so I skimmed over those and won’t attempt to discuss them here.)
The two British researchers used data from the British Household Panel Survey. This national survey quizzed 10,000 adults every fall from 1991 to 2008. People who took part were, among other things, asked to fill out the General Health Questionnaire. This is a 12-item survey that is often used to assess someone’s psychological well-being. The questions are:
Have you recently:
- Been able to concentrate on whatever you are doing?
- Lost much sleep over worry?
- Felt that you are playing a useful part in things?
- Felt capable of making decisions about things?
- Felt constantly under strain?
- Felt you could not overcome your difficulties?
- Been able to enjoy your normal day-to-day activities?
- Been able to face up to your problems?
- Been feeling unhappy and depressed?
- Been losing confidence in yourself?
- Been thinking of yourself as a worthless person?
- Been feeling reasonably happy all things considered?
People answer on a four-point scale indicating how often they felt that way in comparison to their usual state of mind. A typical mentally healthy person will answer “Rather more than usual” or “Much more than usual” to no more than one or two questions and “Not at all” or “No more than usual” to the rest.
In a sample of 10,000 people over a period of years, inevitably a number are going to lose loved ones. This study had data on more than 2,000 deaths. By comparing pre-loss GHQ scores of people who would later lose loved ones to their post-loss GHQ scores, researchers can get an idea of the effect the losses had on survivors’ mental health.
Losing A Partner May Be Hardest to Take
“Bereavement is painful,” the researchers drily note. Indeed, the psychological distress scores of people who lost children more than doubled from 1.3 before the loss to 3.5 the year the child died. A score of 1 or 2 is normal for people who aren’t under stress. A 12 indicates clinical depression. So the higher score suggests noticeable but perhaps not extreme stress.
As the chart above shows, people who lost spouses saw GHQ scores more than double, from just below 3 to 6.3 the year of the loss. People who lost parents experienced more moderate increases in distress than those who lost children or those who lost parents.
Researchers also studied the impact of the death of a partner or a child using an extended time frame. For this part of the study they looked at psychological distress scores for the year after the loss as well as the year before the loss and the year of the loss.
While losing a spouse had a bigger initial impact, surviving partners recovered more quickly than surviving parents
As shown in Figure 2 above, this seemed to indicate that, while losing a spouse had a bigger initial impact, surviving partners recovered more quickly than surviving parents After a year, surviving partners had GHQ scores only slightly higher than pre-loss. Surviving parents were not much better the year after the loss than the year of the loss.
Puzzling Findings On Sibling and Parent Loss
In another refinement, the researchers compared how survivors adapted to loss of a mother, father, sibling and friend over three consecutive years. Two things struck me about this finding.
First, as Figure 3 above shows, siblings, alone among all groups studied, felt worse the year after the loss than the year of the loss. That seemed odd. Why only siblings? (At dinner the other night I mentioned this to my younger daughter. She suggested that siblings lose more when one of them dies, because they can otherwise expect a brother or sister to be around for many years after their parents are gone. Could be.)
Siblings, alone among all groups studied, felt worse the year after the loss than the year of the loss.
Second, survivors who lost a friend or parent had recovered to pre-loss levels of distress by the year after the loss. While that is not terribly surprising — the traditional year of mourning appears to be about the right length of time in many cases — apparently after a year those who lost mothers actually felt better than they had before the death. That one is a puzzle. Perhaps the mothers were chronically ill and that caused more distress than their actual deaths?
Apparently, when this objective measure is applied to a large sample of people, losing a partner may be harder than losing a child, at least according to this study.
Unfortunately, the researchers had no information on circumstances of the losses, such as ages of those who died, so that isn’t considered. But, apparently, when this objective measure is applied to a large sample of people, losing a partner may be harder than losing a child, at least according to this study.
Where Does This Leave Us?
I’m not sure how to take this. It is counter-intuitive, and I tend to like ideas that challenge my preconceived notions. But I’m having trouble letting go of the idea that losing a child is harder than losing a partner.
In my personal experience, for instance, my girlfriend of 10 years, whom I expected to be with forever, sent me a Dear John e-mail five months after Brady died. After some initial upset, that loss was barely a blip compared to the blow of losing my son. When my father died in 2000, next to losing Brady it was minor.
Of course, I care about my father and my girlfriend (and of course she didn’t die), but in the context of losing Brady, those losses amounted to not much more than inconveniences. (To be honest, I think every problem I’ve ever had rolled into one is not much more than an annoyance compared to losing my son.)
There’s no benefit to thinking that I inhabit the worst of all possible worlds.
Maybe it’s just my individual circumstance. Or maybe I was wrong about the relative impact of losing a child or a partner. But at least I have a good argument to use on myself next time I start feeling sorry for myself. It is not good to be the father of a dead son, no doubt. But it could be worse, and there’s no benefit to thinking that I inhabit the worst of all possible worlds. Perhaps that will help me get through a few sinking spells without descending quite so low. If so, this exercise will have been worth it.
I emphatically am not trying to tell anybody that their loss is harder or easier to take than someone else’s.
I emphatically am not trying to tell anybody that their loss is harder or easier to take than someone else’s. I am reporting on my experience of looking at some evidence comparing the typical impact of different losses. Your mileage may vary, and this study is far from the final word. As many studies do, it suggests answers to some questions while raising additional questions. Like, how would someone feel better after their mother dies? I completely do not get that.
Thanks for reading, liking, commenting, sharing and following. Whether you’re feeling sorry for yourself or grateful that things weren’t worse than they turned out to be, I am sorry for your loss. And I hope you find some peace today.
Grieve Well 
Thank you for writing this. I think it must be human nature to compare our personal situation against those of others. For example, I delivered a dead baby on my due date. One of my immediate thoughts was “why didn’t this pregnancy end 30 weeks ago? What purpose is there to carry a baby to term only to have her die?” Only to have my next thought be “at least she wasn’t 6 months old and then died.” None of this is rationale thinking, it is NEVER a good time to be the parent of a dead child. I also think you made a good point in that it depends on each person. I have met parents who were devastated by a first trimester miscarriage but others who were meh about it. It’s just an interesting yet brain baffling post and I thank you again for writing it.
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Thanks! I’m glad it made some kind of sense to you. This whole experience is like putting my heart, mind and soul through a blender. I’m trying to make sense out of it because I want to survive it and, if possible, get through it sooner and with less hurt and permanent damage. I’m doing a little better lately, but a long way to go still. Thanks again. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you get some peace today.
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I’m so sorry. My sister had the same horrible experience. The hospital took a.ohito minutes f her precious daughter. The shirt she was wearing said “Special Delivery” on it. How unthoughtful.
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My cousin died when I was 6. He was 16. He had gone over to his girlfriends house and two men purchased alcohol for him. He ended up drinking way too much. And his parents picked him up and got into a little fight. Then really early in the morning he got on his ATV, and hit his head on a tree. In the morning his father found him, and he was sent to the hospital. On Friday, May 13th, my cousin got unplugged from the ventilator. This is not just your typical grief. He was the best cousin anyone could ask for. he picked me up all the time, played with me and my brother all of the time. And he had a girlfriend a lot of friends, a really cool Audi. And he decided to visit me and my brother 4 or 5 times a week! I think now that i’m 11, it clicked. I really miss this person. and nobody can tell me it’s not even close to losing a partner. RIP Clinton Norris
There is not a minute that goes by without thinking of you.
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I am sorry for your loss, Holly. No question but what the impact of a loss varies widely according to individual circumstances. While it may typically be the case that losing a cousin is less devastating than losing a partner, that doesn’t necessarily mean much in a specific instance. It’s normal to not be average. And whatever the average may be, it sounds like you are hurting a lot from your cousin’s death. Again, I’m sorry, and I hope you get some peace today.
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My husband coach/teacher died unexpectedly of a heart attack at age 57 at home in front of me approx 14 months ago. His brother saw me a couple of months ago and told me he and his sibling felt that their pain was worse than mine. I was married for 25 years and left with two sons ages 22 and 24. I have been battling sadness/lonliness, the tragic moment replays jjand hypertension. I am moving forward for my sons and for myself. I was 59 when he died but I am now 61. I felt insulted that the siblings thought they were hurting worse than me. I still live in the same house, go past his truck in the garage and do what he used to do. SMH
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Thanks for commenting, GloJean Fuse. I am sorry for your loss. It’s tempting to compare losses and for some of us including, obviously, me, it’s pretty much irresistible. But at bottom there is no way to generalize accurately. The details matter a great deal. I try, with limited success, not to let other people’s attitudes about my son’s death bother me much. I have far more than enough trouble dealing with Brady’s death without getting too mixed up with what other people think. So I try to keep my concerns about that to a minimum. I found moving from the house where Brady died helped significantly. I’ve also found a lot of other things helped at least a little. I’m doing the best I can to feel better, as I would have expected him to do if I had been the one to die instead of him. Yesterday was an especially good day. I was busy all day long and only got to a grief level “2,” which should make sense if you’ve read the post about grief tracking . I hope you get some peace today.
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Wow. Those were insensitive remarks by his siblings. And they will never have a clue until they lose their spouse. Been 4 yrs nearly for me. He died suddenly at home in my arms. 25 yrs of marital bliss and one son
Age 22. I was 59. Will say the pain is the worst and longest last so far of my life. A pain I will never recover from. Is with me 24/7 and I long for the day that I leave this world too. I’m existing not living.
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Lori, I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes it takes a long time for the pain to ease much at all. I’ve found grief tracking helps me to see that I don’t always feel quite so awful. It also shows me that I am — very slowly — getting better over time. I don’t expect the pain to ever stop completely, but I do expect it to eventually only come around every now and then, instead of the all-day every-day thing it was in the beginning. I hope you get some peace today.
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Hi – I lost my 20 year old son tragically to a swimming incident in our local pool in April 2017. The cctv showed that 4 lifeguards failed to rescue him even after they were told of concerns about my son’s prolonged submersion under water. It was a preventable death. I agree with you that the loss of your child is the most devastating and heartbreaking of griefs. I since lost my mum ( 2 years later) – she gave up on life after the loss of her beloved grandson. I too have had the ceaseless multitude of emotions – deep relentless gnawing sorrow and the inability to ever feel true happiness again. The sparkle has gone out of my life – I suffer from low mood, insomnia and anxiety , low motivation and feelings of despair and hopelessness. But I keep on living regardless because that’s what you do – my son was bright, talented – kind and loving. His death has brought me unfathomable searing pain – a mother will never get over the loss of her baby – it is the worse grief of all. Worse for me than that of a spouse, parent or sibling. But I understand that everyone’s grief is personal to them and I am not wishing to undermine their pain. It’s just that my son’s death is something I cannot nor never will be able to come to terms with. Thanks to all for reading this.
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Teresa, I am sorry for your loss. I can relate to feeling life has lost its sparkle and experiencing hopeless despair. I’m slow to predict that I’ll never come to terms with Brady’s death, however. Much research has shown that people tend to overestimate the future impact of negative events. I expect, based on those findings and my personal experience so far, that I’ll eventually do better than seems likely right now and come to accept that this is the kind of world I live in. Meanwhile, I’m trying to make the best of a truly awful situation. And life is slowly getting to seem a little bit more worth living. Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope you can get some peace today.
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I wanted to add from another website, Grieving the Death of a Sibling that when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future.
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Thanks, GloJean Fuse. Yes, there is a special sort of pain that is unique to each sort of loss, I think. It may not be that any loss is easier or harder than another, only that they are different. Thanks again. I hope you get some peace today.
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I just had a conversation with a friend about how the loss of a child is the worst grief. She disagreed. I was pretty surprised, and kinda upset by her not understanding. So I googled it and found this site. Reading your words meant so much to me. I lost both my sons, six months apart, both from an accidental overdose. My first born Jonathan (23yrs)was on Aug.28th 2016,. Then six months later my second born James (20yrs) on Feb. 20, 2017. The two worst days of my life. I am devastated, and will forever miss them. My father has been gone for over seventeen years. I love him, and miss him, but the intense feeling of grief and longing is not the same. My boys had just become men, they were still young. They should still be here. I was so proud to be their mother. I have my daughter who will be eighteen next week, and love just as much. Still I know that I will forever want my sons in my life. My family is not the same, we are very broken. Every parent who has lost a child has been cheated out of so much. Life is just not fair. And I keep thinking that somehow I should of been able to save them. To have known what was going to happen, to somehow prevent it. I have accepted the loss of my father and grandfather. I don’t think I will ever say that about the loss of my sons. Thank you for listening. I am sorry for your loss, and know how unbearable it can be.
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Thanks, Suzanne. I am very sorry for your losses. I do think generally speaking the loss of a child is the hardest loss to bear. But when it comes to a specific case the details matter a lot. Someone else’s loss of a parent may in fact be harder for them to bear than the loss of our children. Although it’s nearly irresistible to do it, I don’t think it’s very helpful to compare our losses to others. I personally try to cultivate gratitude that I ever even had a son — something many people never experience — instead of cultivating resentment for the fact that Brady died at 16. That seems to help a little, and sometimes a little bit of help means a lot. I hope you get some peace today.
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My son just passed away he was 38 years old. I’ve never experienced this kind of grief for a long time. I remember when I was 5 , I was told my Father, brother, 2 Aunts and Uncle died in a car accident. I grieved beside my Mum and 2 grandmothers. My Mum lost a husband, son, 2 sisters and a brother. She was 26. My one grandmother lost 3 children ages 8 to 18. Then the other grandmother lost my father her son he was 32. I look back at how those 3 women dealt with tragedy. It does bring me peace. My son was mentally ill. I had to make sure to keep him calm, fed, housed and clean. He took all my extra time. It was difficult to deal with him. It was sad to watch. But I do miss him. I get angry that he had to live such a awful life. He was bi polar with psychotic episodes. I was afraid he would end up in jail. It took a lot of my husbands and my energy to keep him grounded. Someone said don’t you feel relief. No I don’t. I really miss him. But as you can see I guess my life set me up to accept this. My grandfather did commit suicide after his 3 children died.
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Patricia, I am so sorry for your losses. No question but you have had a harder time of it than the vast majority of people. I recall one of my late son Brady’s last social media posts referred to the fact that you don’t get what you deserve. There seems no doubt that is true. You get what you get, and it doesn’t seem to have much to do with deserving it or not. My experience so far has been that I’ve gotten back a lot of my happiness in the last four years since Brady died. I think that’s pretty typical of bereaved parents. There’s no cure for loss, but it can be managed. I hope you get at least a moment of peace very soon. Thanks for commenting.
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Suicide is a bitter pill to swallow, and as a parent we may feel like we failed to protect them from themselves.
I’ve had a husband, brother, friend and a son die from suicide, and by far my son’s death has been the most devastating! My father passed of natural causes.
I feel I will never move forward from this. He was only 20, and had a bright future ahead of him. It’s been 5 months, but I cry day and night still. I think suicide makes it all the worst, as I beat myself up with should haves and what if’s. Had it been a natural death or accident I would imagine it was more out of control, and you don’t regret as much not being more vigilant.
Hopefully, life will get better one day, but with the loss of a child all the things you were excited about their future is gone-their children, their marriage, the college experience, their dreams of travel, their dream career, their walk with the Lord that was prayed on them for years.
The hope and peace I have is that my son is in heaven, as I know that he was forgiven by acceptance of the Lord’s free gift of salvation. He suffered from depression, and I know God is a compassionate God. This makes me happy so I try to focus on this and that I know I’ll see him again some day. I’m grateful for this.
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I tend to agree that loss of a child or children is the worst loss of all. I lost a spouse by divorce after almost 20 years of marriage. I’ve lost a brother when I was 10; he was 18, due to suicide. I lost both my parents to old age. And then I lost both my adult sons, only children forever 39 & 37 7 and a half years ago. I can NOT get over it, around it or under it. I feel so dysfunctional. So many horrible feelings go through me. I feel I’m not a good wife to my 2nd husband, as I really don’t feel like doing much at all. I see wives who lose their husbands recover quite quickly. Most of the parents on the grieving children FB pages, don’t recover quite so quickly. It affects them forever. I know my brother’s suicide was on my mother’s mind the rest of her life. She grieved the entire 50 years + afterwards. Not as severely as the first 10, but non the less she grieved. And she had 4 living daughters. Another loss that I think has a lasting effect is the loss of a parent of a young child. My grandchildren were 9 and 13 when their dads and only uncle died together. They are now 16 and 21 and I know they are having a pretty hard time with it. One of them being that emotionally they are both delayed. I’m not allowed to have much contact with them, which I feel would have helped us all. I just suddenly hear of their mother’s problems every once and a while. They both live in other states. Thank you for listening. I’m so sorry for the loss of your child also. I do find it incredibly hard.
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Genevra, I’m sorry for your loss. I imagine that, all things being equal, losing a child is the hardest. But it does depend on the situation. For instance, I think for whatever reason I seem to have better coping skills, or maybe the aptitude for developing better coping skills, than the average bereaved person. So for me losing a child has probably not so far been as hard as it might be for another bereaved parent. Anyway, it seems irresistible to compare ourselves to others but in the end it’s probably not the most important thing. Brady’s death is a tragedy to me and whether it’s the worst tragedy of all time is secondary to that. Thanks for reading, commenting and following. I hope you get some peace today.
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You cannot compare a divorce of a partner to the loss of a soul mate, it is not the same and when they transition young it is known as a tragic death as you lose so many other things with a partner but the spiritual journey is greatly increased for me & so overs as love is eternal and never dies. Some of us have also lost the opportunity of having children too and there are lots of us. Nic
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Although some people may not think it the same as death,i lost twin girls to adoption was the worst pain in my life,although i have not really lost anyone else in my life apart from grandparents and has been divorced , I might feel different if i was in love and i lost a loving husband through death . But what I do know is when i lost the girls it felt like my heart and soul being ripped away from out of me
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Jesusandtina, I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think losing someone to adoption is necessarily less painful than losing someone to death. The way they left is less important than the fact that they’re gone. There is still hope for peace, though, after just about any loss. I hope you can find some today.
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All you keep saying is that your loss means more. It does not. Losing a spouse is considered to be the single most stressful event of a person’s life. This is not kind.
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Sorry about that. I think this may be a misunderstanding caused by my failure to be clear. Actually, I mean to say that it’s not possible to say that any sort of loss means more. So much depends on individual circumstances. For one person in one situation the loss of a spouse may be the most stressful life event. For another person in another situation it might be another kind of loss. I suspect that with few exceptions our own person losses are a much bigger deal to us than anyone else’s losses, of whatever variety. I am sorry for your loss and hope you get some peace today.
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I think as the data suggests, long term child loss is the most dramatic. Spouse loss brings about the most changes in life short term. However, you rarely here that after spousal loss, that person never gets into a new relationship or remarries. Where as, you can’t have a similar relationship ever when you lose a child
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I agree. People seem to get over spousal loss, in time. I’ve lost both my children, as adults. Irreplaceable and forever grieving.
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In 2018 I lost my wife at age 56 after 34 years of Marriage. Most of those years as her husband and caregiver due to her brain tumors. In April of this year 2020 I lost my only son at age 28 of a drug overdose. Losing my wife was devastating even though I knew it was coming due to her illness. Losing my son is much worse. .
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I am sorry for your losses, Robert. I tend to agree that losing a child is generally harder to bear. It just makes sense that we hurt more over the loss of a child whom we are tasked with protecting and whom we expect to carry on our legacy. However, as I noted, the research I’ve seen on this is not that conclusive. And, of course, much depends on circumstances. No question you have been through a bad stretch losing your wife and son. I am feeling much better after four years of struggle, but it has not been easy. Thanks for commenting and I hope you get some peace today. Mark
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I lost my son age 44 in February and Im telling you, regardless of researchers’ findings ( and how can that be considered as accurate?) That losing a child, regardless of age is devastating, crippling, lifelong lasting . I will not be convinced otherwise. Yes, its been only 9 months but as my husband says, life holds little joy for us now. Ive lost my parents, my half sisters, my aunts, uncles, several cousins and three good friends. All were difficult to handle, but nothing like this. I wouldnt wish this kind of pain, emptiness and grief on anyone.
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I’m sorry for your loss, Tonia. There is certainly a wide variety of experience in bereavement and there are definitely examples of people for whom loss of a child is worse by far than any other conceivable loss. I may be one of them. I encourage you to be cautious about forecasting your emotional state to the end of time, however. There is a lot of evidence that humans are poor at forecasting future feelings, especially about negative events. You have every right to feel the way you do, but I think you also have the right to hope for better days ahead. Personally, I’m much better after four years of grieving my son Brady’s death, and I think that’s not unusual for bereaved parents. Losing a child isn’t something people generally stop caring about ever, but most people find their attention turns more and more to the present and the bad grieving episodes become less frequent as time goes on. Your mileage, to repeat, may vary. I hope you get some peace today.
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Hi. My teen daughter was missing for 6 weeks,eventually found by police.
She was nude,some 1 killed her. Those 6 weeks of pure hell , there was no answer
on her mobile,me constantly ringing it,I just knew it was bad news. ID by teeth.
What people (unless suffered similar)don’t realise is the added traumatic effects
of the press,court case,TV production companies hassling me for info so they can make
their programmes. Constant reshowing of the TV documentaries which were made against my
wishes. Iv got complicated grief,chronic depression,+I think about daughter all the
time,ruminating on how I could prevented the murder.
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Michelle, I am so sorry about your horrible experience. I hear you saying you have been really hassled by the press and legal activities as well. It sounds like you’re feeling guilty and depressed. About the guilt, as far as I can tell, it’s present in almost all cases even when it’s nearly inconceivable that the survivors could actually have done anything to change what happened. The fact that you feel guilty doesn’t mean you really are guilty of failing to prevent the murder, is what I’m saying. Most studies find that ruminating makes grief worse. I’ve found that briefly acknowledging the painful thoughts and then forcing myself to think of something else helps. Trying to completely avoid them, deny them or pretend they aren’t there hasn’t worked well for me, but neither has sitting there and repetitively thinking why-why-why and what I could have done. It’s sort of a balancing act for me. No question, it’s very difficult to keep going. It may not ever get easy. But generally as the years go by it gets easier for most of us. I hope you get some peace today.
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My wife died last month due to brain haemorrhage. I was right next to her and saw her go into coma. She eventually became brain dead in another 5 days and she was taken off the ventilator. We have been married happily for 17 years and have 2 kids. I am not able to come out of this shock. The frustration of not being able to save her is hurting me. The children are being taken care of by grandparents and they seem to have taken this well. I am happy about that. Other than that, I don’t know how I am going to survive in the coming days. Her images keep haunting me every second. I see her everywhere in the house and am becoming mad sometimes. I don’t get enough sleep and keep waking up many times during the night. I feel so dead inside. I guess I need to suffer as long as I am alive.
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John, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone so close to you in that way has to be horrible. I never knew life could be so awful until my son Brady died. Every bit of research I’ve seen shows that time is a major factor in learning to cope with loss. A month after losing your wife, you are probably at about the most painful part of the journey, if you are like most people. I’ll give you the bad news first. You are actually likely to feel even worse over the next month or two, according to the research I’ve seen. Now the good news. Again, time may not heal all things, but it usually great improves our ability to cope with traumas like this. Sometime in the next few months, you will probably start to feel better, based on the studies I’ve seen. It’s slow and gradual, but fairly predictable. Most people who lose spouses get back to something more or less like normal sometime in the second year after loss. We don’t ever seem to completely get past these losses, according to the research I’ve seen. What usually happens after a few to several years is that the pain settles down to a low and bearable level, with occasional spikes. And that’s how we stay for the rest of our lives, never forgetting, but eventually finding joy in living again. That’s the typical case, and you may be different, of course. But millions of people go through similar experiences every year, and you probably can make it as well. If you are inclined this way, talk therapy with an experienced and accredited grief counselor can help a lot of people. It helped me, especially with sleep. Again, I am sorry for your loss, and hope you get some peace today. Mark
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Speaking pragmatically, losing a spouse is (on average) perhaps the more destructive as it comes with lots of knock on effects for many adults that simply don’t happen as frequently when looking at other bereavements, and this may be the source of the discrepancy. For the record, I fully agree that losing a child is emotionally the most difficult, but that doesn’t typically come with things like the dramatic loss of income (followed perhaps by loss of house, friends, job, etc.) that accompanies losing a spouse. Lose a child? You get to keep your job, keep your support network of friends and family and co-workers, your income doesn’t change, and life goes on, abeit with an extraordinary hole where the child once was. Lose a spouse (especially before retirement age)? Suddenly life gets very difficult on a day-to-day basis due to losing an income and losing connection with a huge portion of your long term support network, and this is difficult (impossible) to replace. Life doesn’t go on as before. You’ve also lost the one person you’d rely on most for support, whereas there is no such loss of support when a child dies; the spouse or partner is still in the picture and the support networks are still there. There’s not just an emotional hole, but a practical one too. Everything suddenly becomes a struggle and remains that way in many cases for the rest of the survivor’s life. In other words, losing a child is like a huge and irreparable hole being cut in the rug, but losing a spouse is having the entire rug pulled out from under you, after which you’re forced to weave a brand new rug and you have no instructions and very little help.
So agreed, losing a child is emotionally the most difficult, but from a practical standpoint I don’t think it’s up there with the wide-ranging levels of destruction that losing a spouse brings.
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I think a mother losing a child, would result in different findings also.
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My husband passed away from a sudden stroke 2 weeks ago he was 40 I am 32 and we have been together for since I was 18 he was the love of my life, Monday I received a call that my sisters sister 23 had passed in an auto accident the situation was different but we both were struck with grief at the same time which puts some perspective into this article, it is dependent on the roles the deceased played in conjunction with our lives, my husband was my other half we had a past and future of embracing each other and holding each other through the obstacles of life. My sweet step sister played a different role she was a friend someone to share secrets with and confide in she had her whole life ahead of her dreams, marriage children. We think and compare because while my husband had already laid down a foundation and I needed him for our family, she like your son still had a lot left to offer this world. Her mother’s pain lies in the never will I see moments, and that hits different than the never will I see again moments Experience by the loss of a spouse because although you loved this person and there will always be a void it can eventually be filled with more love they were chosen. However when losing a child they are truly an irreplaceable piece of you that can not be chosen again. Grief is the same dreaded pain you would wish on no one. But, loss definitely varies with the role that person played within your life.
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That’s very well put. Much depends on circumstances, but the nature of the relationship seems to be a very big factor on the level of grief caused by a bereavements. Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m sorry for your losses and hope you get some peace today.
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I lost my husband of 5 years when I was twenty-three. We had a daughter Lisa. I was sad for ten years but not as sad as when I lost my mother and one month later lost my daughter. The grief was so severe. My heart was broken and there was no wear I could hid from it. I’ve never suffered from depression but I cried day and night for 3 years. At 5 years I slowly stopped but still couldn’t function. It’s been eleven years and I still haven’t returned to the good old me. I don’t think that I ever will. I hide it well and that’s difficult on me but who wants to hear the same story over and over again. I’m in a state of just being lost not depressed but lost. I have withdrawn from people thst have kids. I don’t want to hear about them…I don’t have mine!
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Thanks for your comment, Donna. I am sorry for your multiple losses. I am sure it is very hard to bear so many. Every loss is a little different, and everyone who loses someone seems to have an at least slightly different experience from everybody else. It sounds like you are having an especially difficult time of it. I suspect that a grief therapist might suggest you consider reversing your withdrawal from parents of living children. When we have phobias or are compulsively avoiding something, the remedy usually involves exposing ourselves to the thing we want to avoid. Of course, if avoiding parents of living children is not causing you any problems, you likely don’t see any need to change it. I can see how that might well be the case.
Personally, I still experience significant pain and sadness from Brady’s death. I still cry from time to time. I still tell the story, or at least parts of the story, to other people when the time seems right. I still feel sometimes that I wish I could lie down and die. Generally, however, there is no question I am much better. The pain is nowhere nearly as agonizing. It doesn’t last as long. And the episodes are less frequent. I’m not sure how much better I’ll get, but I think I can go on fairly well if there is no more improvement. It sucks, but it’s what I have and it’s not as bad as some other people have.
Again, I’m sorry for your losses and hope you can at least get a moment of peace soon.
Best, Mark
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Comparisons are odious.
But a sibling loss is the most under-recognized loss ever.
We spend family experiences from birth; so many formative years, we are intertwined with all family experiences, the growing, developing from babies together, in elementary, jr high, high school. We form our identities together. It is so sad that siblings are usually sequestered to pick up the pieces, and help all family members through their sibling loss. The forgotten mourners
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I am confused by a sentence in the article that says, “People who lost parents experience more moderate increases in distress than those who lost children or those who lost parents.”
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Thanks! Looks like I made some sort of mistake. I will take a closer look at this when I get a break.
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Ive lost several loved ones in my lifetime. Starting when my sister was killed in an automobile accident when i was 16. She was also 6 months pregnant and lost the baby. Ive lost my parents and my husband and my ex husband, so i was the mother to two sets of orfaned children. My boys were a little older than their sister was when their dad died. My oldest son was 25 and youngest was 17. My daughter was 9. I took my sons dad to the hospital knowing he wouldnt be coming home. 4 months later i found my husband dead. Ive lost a few friends and 2 sets of mother and father in laws and 2 sister in laws. All my Uncles have passed but one. I lost my half brother. And ive lost 2 babies from miscarriages and one died in me at 5 months pregnant. I guess the reason i am writing this is because my Aunt made the comment to me that losing a child is the worst kind of grief there is. It just baffled me when she said that because all i could think is how each one of my loses affected me differently. For example when my father past i lost my security my foundation felt rocked. When i lost my mother i lost my guidance. When i lost my sister i lost my first best friend. When i lost my children it didnt even feel real because i didnt know them yet. Please dont confuse that with i didnt love them, but my point is each death affected me in a different way. When this aticle said losing a partner was the worst i thought about it and thought, I did lose everything the day my husband died. Nothing was the same, like when my father died i could still go home and feel a little normal. If u ask me each loss affects a person if they love that person in a different way. Which loss is worse who cares they all hurt. I feel bad for everyone that suffers loss. My prayers are with you all.
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I am genuinely struggling to understand the point of this post. Purportedly an attempt to synthesize in a concise manner the empirical results of the scientific study referenced, your post instead categorically rejects the results of the study in favor of anecdotal (not to mention insulting and condescending) rhetoric. Why cite the study at all if your only reaction is to reject the results because they do not coincide with your personal desire to validate your loss as the “most painful”?
“It can be a little offensive when anyone suggests, as they do from time to time, that their loss is more significant or painful than your own,” you (apparently unironically?) suggest at the outset, then follow with a referendum on why the loss of a child is more painful and difficult than the loss of a spouse, despite that being a direct contradiction of the data provided.
“I don’t think it’s good for me to think that I have it worse than anybody. So as I travel this bereavement journey, I generally avoid comparing losses,” you further claim, despite the remainder of the post directly contradicting this assertion. Does semantically diminishing the pain of losing a spouse somehow make your loss more palatable? Does fostering a competitive climate in which we are forced to examine our own losses through a filter of antagonistic quibbling about their emotional impact somehow improve the grieving process for anyone? Does convincing yourself that the loss of your son is more painful than the loss of someone’s husband or wife in any way edify you or the grieving spouse? How about instead of pitting the grieving against one another you focus on support and empathy?
I came to this site in a moment of grief, desperation, and unfathomable loss and I leave it feeling diminished, devalued, invalidated, and even more sorrowful. And that truly is senseless.
I sincerely wish you all the best as you navigate your grief journey.
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Thanks for the note, Grace, and I’m sorry for your loss. Those are valid criticisms. This is probably not the best thing I have ever written. At this point, I guess what I’d like to say on the topic is that it’s probably not advisable or even defensible for anybody to take the attitude that they have experienced the worst kind of loss. Maybe if you had to watch while your family was torn apart by bears, and then were injured yourself so that now you’re a blind quadriplegic unable to speak or hear. That might be worse than anything. For the rest of us, there’s either always someone in a worse situation, or it’s just impossible to say for sure that we’re the most cursed in existence. Also, I think feeling we have it worse than anyone is likely to make us feel even worse. There’s not a lot of research on self-pity, but what there is supports the view that self-pity is to be avoided — maladaptive, to use the psychological vernacular. I try to avoid it, with imperfect success. If you feel diminished, devalued, invalidated and even more sorrowful after reading this post, I apologize. That was not my intent. At the same time, I could not count the number of posts I’ve encountered that left me feeling much the way you describe. My experience has been that there’s nothing anyone, (including me) could say or do (including saying or doing nothing) that is not going to risk leaving someone (including me) feeling worse. There are a lot of different ways to grieve. Mine is only one. I hope you find a good one for yourself. And thanks again for your courageous and thoughtful comment.
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My father, brother, 2 aunts and a uncle all died together when I was a baby. It was awful growing up as a young child with all this grief. Then my son died from Covid in 2020 There is not one worse than the other. This is all a individual thing. No one should say one is worse than the other.
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I am sorry for your losses, Pat. I don’t use the word “should” much, but I tend to agree that saying one kind of loss is always worse than another is probably not a good way to go. At the very least, much depends on circumstances. And every set of circumstances is, if you get into enough detail, different from every other set. Thanks for your comment and I hope you get some peace today.
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Hi Mark, I lost my 30 year old son to suicide 9 months ago. I have another son and daughter. As a family we are doing okay, but there are moments which feel like total hopelessness and deep pain. I find your posts incredibly helpful. Thank you
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I lost my husband suddenly 4 months ago and am trying to come to terms with it. I am over 70 and have no children and therefore no grandchildren. I had miscarriages and in those days it was hard to adopt and before IVF. I also lost 2 old friends all in the same two months so it has all hit me hard. I have lots of friends but find I often make excuses not to see them. I have not got supportive family and they live along way away anyway. I think when you lose a spouse your whole way of life changes and Christmas was just awful as friends naturally visit relatives or they have them to visit them. I am naturally quite a sociable person but ever felt pain like this. Years ago I went through a divorce and thought this might be similar but it is way different and friends who are divorcees cannot understand. I feel lost and can only see a bleak future.
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Pam, I am sorry for your multiple losses.
It’s not just you! It is common for people who have experienced loss to have to make new friends afterward. It’s not easy, necessarily, but it seems to be a solid coping strategy to work at building a new social support system. Personally, I’ve joined several clubs, interest groups and meetups and found some wonderful new friends to replace the old ones who disappeared for various reasons, including death in some cases. I think this has really helped me. Being alone too much is rough, as you noted.
As far as your future only appearing bleak, I hope it will reassure you to learn that we humans stink at predicting our future emotional states. We particularly tend to overestimate the future impact of negative events. This finding has been upheld in many research studies. What it means is that your future is likely not as bleak as it appears right now. It can take a long time, but a significant degree of recovery is probable. Most bereaved spouses report getting back to something like normal sometime during the second year after loss.
In short, you’ll probably feel better sooner than you think even if you don’t work at it. And if you work at it, especially at building a new social support system, you could feel better even sooner.
I hope you get some peace today.
Mark
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What a study! However data is just data and if it can be manipulated it can say just about anything you want it to say. I am not sure how ell I would do with study. I have spent a life of loss. Age 6, I was placed in an orphanage, immediately separated from 4 siblings younger than me and a half brother older than me. I never saw my parents again and was finally placed in adoption at age 12. I would call this grief a non death grief but losing a whole family in a blink of an eye was crushing. Later as an adult I would continue to lose family, both parent as wel as in laws. By the time I had reached 45 years my death count was 25 at 60, my son died unexpectedly at age 36.
The best data I can contribute at this point is that death keeps coming and I am still living. Trying incredibly hard to stay hopeful in learning to live forward!!! So more importantly , to me, is in how the study is managed with extenuating circumstances, how does one become at peace with living when so many have gone on before me. My husband is my best friend and we are one. I can’t imagine life without him. But I can say the same about my son, I carried him for 9 months. He is part of my very being. The voids are crushing for child loss as much as spouses and siblings.
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The additional dynamic of guilt, regret and failure knowing my 21 yr old son was under my watch until he was 20 intensifies the grief. Retrospect is punishing. Seven years into this journey has only gotten better due to time and most importantly a major intentional effort to take care of myself through vigorous exercise, in-the-moment activities and mindfulness . After 5 years of numbing myself in the evenings I’ve quit alcohol and I’m the better for it Overall I’ve attained the ability that I couldn’t in year one when I read, that, “knowing why will not bring him back. You must take care of yourself now”. But this hurts forever with plenty of triggering milestones ahead. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be
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I have lost a lot of people in my life, cousins, friends, parents, grandparents, my first love, but the loss of my daughter has been beyond the hardest thing in my life. I would much rather lose everyone in my life than my child. When people say grieving gets better, hasn’t ever lost their child. It doesn’t get better, it’s always there waiting to suck you under and drown you. It’s been 9 years since she died, she was 9 years old when she died, she’s been gone longer now than I was ever able to her mother. I think about that everyday and spend most days crying throughout the day. It doesn’t get better and I don’t see how losing a partner or anyone else could even come close.
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